Revival of the Phoenix

It has been months and months since my last episode of blogging. Too much shit has happened in the past few hours, weeks, months, half year I just don't know where I should begin.

Truth be told, i wasn't going to ever post another blog ever again. The reason why I'm even back? My friends. They posed several questions to me, one which drove stubborn ol' me to post again: " For chrissake, ******, what is the purpose of this blogging thing? Why on earth would you ever want anyone to read your private thoughts online? What if your identity is compromised?

Well, truth be told, I realized don't give a shit.

Why blog. I don't know. I've always had a journal when I was a kid. Which was compromised several times. ;) Used to be a good writer. And want to get that skill back. A year ago, I was an avid hater of emails, of IMing, of any form of e-communication. I felt that it took the personal touch out of correspondances, I mean think about it, how many of you would rather get a cute hallmark card in the mail, along with a dozen real roses, as opposed a .JPEG file of them?! (side note, guys get a clue) How many of you would rather sit with a friend and have a cup of coffee rather than IM for hours and hours?! But maybe...maybe things like blogs, craigslists, friendster...maybe it actually brings people closer together rather than stay apart...maybe there is a thing to this "E-connection" thing after all.

Why blog? And why am I bloggin' the following right now?
My mind feels numb right now. My body too. Maybe it's because of what happened a couple of weeks ago. It's not a big deal, I keep telling myself, it happens to every girl, I tell myself. But I'm tired. I feel like giving up. OutrageousMinx (http://outrageousminx.blogspot.com) would kick my ass if she knew if I were thinking such self-defeating thoughts, but I feel beaten down by the frogs. As of now, the essence of ME is in self-imposed hibernation...not waiting for things to get "better per say" on the outside world, but waiting for an inner transformation. Am waiting out the storm, waiting to arise from the ashes, a fiery phoenix in its full-grown glory. ..I want to tell you the story of the three 'frogs,' but nows not a good time. Next post perhaps. For now, I want to share what I found on Craigslist on Sat. As I was perusing the wares, whilst being snowed in by the blizzard, I came upon this post, and it mirrors EXACTLY what am feeling at the moment. Mirrors everything I've always felt, but I never thought that an XY would feel the same way. In that one flash on my screen, I thought I had made an "e-connection" at last, an internet kindred spirit had appeared before my wary eyes, my hands poised above the keyboard to press "send," in seconds my message would land in his inbox and he would respond........

I never emailed him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time, I thought that work and career were the "hard"parts of life to figure out, and that the personal side of thingswould fall neatly and more or less automatically into place. Oops.This assumptionhas left me with a great career, along with myfamily(including my 2 younger siblings and my totally cool nephew),and all the friends I've gathered along the way. Which is kind of alot to have already, if you think about it. But, being a selfishglutton, now I want the rest of the perfect life. Living in NY,having a great job, friends and family, AND being in love. I love tocook, dance (swing and salsa, please), travel, go camping, to ballgames and to the theater. All things that are better WITH someone.It's no fun to open a fancy bottle of red wine and not have someoneto share it with. (Well, it's kind of fun, actually, but it's betterwith someone who appreciates it as much as you do.) Can't claim toknow exactly what I'm looking for, though it involves someone whounderstands that almost everything is funny in some way, who'sconvinced I'm slightly too good for her and who I suspect is slightlytoo good for me. I am by nature and training a lazy couch potato wholoves to spend a day reading or watching bad TV. However, I can quoteall sorts of reallybad 80s movies. I have a large DVD, CD, bookcollection, and it would be even bigger if I didn't keep drinking it.I like music. And photography, and painting. Now I just need someonewho makes me die laughing and wants to cook with me. My ideal matchlaughs. A lot. At herself as much as at anyone else. She's well readand intellectually curious, but just as curious about the Behind theMusic talking about the one-armed drummer in Def Leppard. She enjoystrying new things. She loves food and wine, and probably likescooking. She enjoys the outdoors, but probably isn't too obsessedwith sports. (OK, this point is flexible.) She loves movies, fromBest in Show to Rear Window to Kevin Smith movies to Casablanca to,of course, The Princess Bride. SHe's not scared to hold a guy's handin public. She has, and understands, a deadpan sense of humor, andsees the difference between making fun of people and being mean tothem. She hopes to find someone who's at least as smart as she is,and actively wants someone who's successful and has hid own life. Shegets that I treat her very well and spoil her, and that I do sobecause I expect her to do the same for me. She likes men who cantake care of themselves, and understands that just because he CANtake care of himrself doesn't mean he doesn't like it when she doesthings for him,too.Lastly, doing well at whatever she does is veryimportant to her,but work isn't the ONLY thing to her. Everyone is looking for the "BEST", the tallest, richest, handsome. Iam looking for the "RIGHT" person. The "right" person is the personwho will bring the best out of you. The key question I ask myself isin the presence of this special person is do I like myself more? Mymajor obstacle for finding the one is that I'm not interested indating. In other words, I can't imagine cycling through women afterwomen. Most dates in the past made me wish I'd just stayed home andwatched Jeopardy, and it takes a toll on a person's mind, body andspirit. I just want to met one person and have my first date lastforever. I am not a serial dater. An evening with me involves hotchocolate and great conversation. A relationship of kindness thatelevates the lives of people involved. Life's greatest test is howwell we love.